Opals and Bonobos

When discussing the idea of loving more than just our spouses and families, the phrase "love thy neighbor" often comes to mind. A quote I tend to prefer was said by Thomas Aquinas: "The person who truly understands love could love anyone". He believed that true love was unspecific, and open to all humanity. When we speak of falling in love with someone, we tend to talk of the person as if they're flawless (as one does in the honeymoon period of a relationship). Aquinas instead preferred a less romantic, more modern view of love: where you love someone, flaws and all. That's not to say you have to love strangers equally to family and friends. A popular children's poem goes "I love you, I love you, I love you, I do. But don't get excited; I love monkeys too!". Love gets underused with people because we want to save it for someone special, and overused with things and experiences. I might say that I love peanut butter, but feel shy telling ...

I've heard a number of people talk negatively about professionals they feel stuck with. "I feel like my dentist is judging me for not flossing enough", "I don't feel like I can be honest with my doctor", "I wish my hair stylist didn't ask so many questions". We feel stuck with these people because, despite the lack of a personality fit, they may be really good at their job, perhaps better than anyone else we've turned to. We are hesitant to look for someone else, and risk it with someone who may not do a good job. When it comes the therapeutic work, the alliance between client and therapist is widely considered to be the most important part -- more than theory or technique. So although we may feel compelled to continue, a therapist we cannot deeply trust isn't going to be as helpful as one we do -- in some cases, the wrong therapist can actually prevent us from moving forward. A good therapist may be attuned to this. Some thera...

During a discussion on how to make the rationalist community more "Hufflepuff", the idea was brought up to define what "more Hufflepuff" even means. Words like cooperation, loyalty, diligence, and empathy were written down. As the list grew longer, I realized they all fit one or two of three categories: relational, emotional, and action. These are the three states that Hufflepuffs are most valued for. Loyalty is a relational state, while diligence is an action state. Meanwhile, cooperation is a blend of action and relational, and empathy is a blend of emotional and relational. The fourth state (cognitive) is more or less what the community was founded on, so it makes sense that the other three are where the community is lacking. People and communities often pick a state to prioritize, letting others fall by the wayside. My experience with other communities show that the cognitive state is often deprioritized, which is why it makes sense that there would be demand...

The Center for Applied Rationality has given its alumni a number of excellent tools to work on their bugs. Going through a workshop myself, I found that a lot of these tools are similar to therapeutic techniques, just reformatted to fit a more self-help-y context. Going through the workshop as a therapist, I had two goals: learn to use these techniques myself, and learn the translation between therapeutic technique and self help (in both ways!). As a therapist, it is useful to take self help techniques and turn them into something you can use in the room with a client. Similarly, it is useful to be able to take a therapeutic technique and find a way for the client to do it themselves at home. After all, the ultimate goal of a therapist is to get their clients to a space where they don't need therapy. Just as translating therapy to self help is useful for ending therapy, translating self help to therapy is useful in beginning. When I begin seeing a client, one of my first questio...

When a good friend expresses that they are facing tough times, we may feel an impulse to reach out and help. However, unless this is someone you are particularly close to, you may not know how. So if you tell them that you want to support them, then they'll just reach out whenever they need support, right? Well, not exactly. A person who is struggling isn't necessarily going to reach out, and those who do are more likely to reach out to those closest to them -- a partner or best friend. A generic offer of help doesn't often do much because it doesn't let the person know how you want to help. You could be imagining yourself as a shoulder to cry on for a recent divorcee, while what they may really need is a place to stay or help moving. They may choose to not ask for help if they fear rejection, or may ask you to help with one of those things, only to result in an awkward conversation due to differences in expectation. So how do you ensure you actually  get to help you...

Some call it The Honeymoon Phase or puppy love. Others mix it in with infatuation or limerence. Views on new relationship energy (NRE) vary, from seeing it as immature to completely normal to a little unhealthy. Regardless, NRE distorts your perception of the person you've just started dating. This can be thrilling, though at times a little scary. It feels like living in an illusion that you know is going to be shattered sooner or later. The Baader-Meinhof phenomenon (also called the Frequency Illusion) is what happens when you learn about something new, then start to see it everywhere. There is a lot of similarity between what happens here and in NRE, to the extent where NRE can effect your emotions in the same way that Baader-Meinhof effects your mind. It is the feeling of every love song reminding you of your new beau, or every book, movie, and band you like seeming like something to recommend to them. This is also partly because NRE is often when you learn the most about a p...

In studying dissociative disorders, I came upon depersonalization, a symptom where someone feels detached from themselves, either mentally or physically. The world begins to feel dreamlike, or less real. For someone experiencing depersonalization, this may feel the case all the time, whereas a highly anxious person may feel familiar with this state if, for example, they have social anxiety and freeze up around people they don't know very well. But even less anxious people have spoken of seeing themselves in third person or feeling like time has gotten slower when anticipating embarrassment, especially in front of someone they want to impress. In these cases, we are not only feeling separate from ourselves, but we are also detaching the public face from the real person in front of us. When I was in college, I was part of the local poetry scene. I remember standing in line waiting to get in to a show, when a hooded figure jumped out of the van parked out front, took a picture of m...